Somnolent Singaporeans & High Tech Dogs

The narcissist fantasy that is the 'selfie' took another blow recently; quite literally.  The blow in question followed a fall off a two metre cliff and death by drowning for a non-swimming Singaporean.

According to Channel News Asia the ill-fated Mohamed Aslam tried to take a selfie on a Balinese cliff and lost his footing after being hit by a wave.

Much as I love my photography, the site of groups and individuals forcing their way into the limelight with upraised smartphones leaves me cold.  And I suspect their joy is transitory as there is not real visual dissection of the scene that surrounds them - just group, point, click and move away.

So prevalent have selfies become that the inventor of the 'selfie stick' must have made a fortune. These invasive rods are a danger to objects and people around them; most museums in the world have quickly moved to ban them.

Photo: Straights Times

All this selfie taking and smart phone fiddling is also bad for the health.  A global research company has found that less than 20% of Singaporeans get the required 8 hours of sleep required to stay healthy.

A thousand people between the ages of twenty and fifty nine were surveyed and half of the student cohort slept badly because their brains were still buzzing from using their smartphones or tablets before going to sleep. What ever happened to the glass of warm milk and a good book before bed?

Singapore is described "as the third most sleep-deprived city in the world" with two other Asian cities, Seoul and Tokyo taking the dubious honour of ranking first and second.  The soporific Aussies in Melbourne fared much better, being identified as the best rested.

Not that technology alone makes for snoring MRT passengers.  Work stress, the lack of a good bolster and the oppressive heat of Singapore all contributed to less than happy slumbers.

Not only are we hell-bent on damaging our health through over stimulation of our brains, we are now inflicting pervasive technology on our pets.  But in the case of the Dogtelligent Connected Collar your pooch now can experience the joys of "virtual fence and leash technology that gently tugs, activity trackers, GPS, WiFi, Bluetooth, ambient temperature sensors, and an ultrasonic micro-speaker to correct barking".

Let's just hope there are no severe electrical storms around when you decide to take your dog 'walkies'.  If there are we are a likely to get a new definition for the term 'hot dog'.

Actually when I think about it, these same collars may have great potential when applied to human commuters on the MRT.  Sleepwalking to work could be achieved with ease.

Ajunied Is Love!

Get the T-Shirt here.

Singapore's MRT is world-class and Aljunied was a stop on the East West line that I often used.

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Blame It One The Bugis

Get the shirt here!

Singapore's Bugis Street stills has a 'certain reputation'.

Haze Breakthrough Unlikely

Haze: Breakthrough in map sharing efforts with Indonesia unlikely - Today Online

My Singapore Brain - Get the T-Shirt

My Singapore Brain -  Get the shirt here

Get the t-shirt here

A Singaporean Superhero?

Ever wondered about the possibilities of a superhero dying of heatstroke?

That was my first thought when I saw the video of this guy masquerading as caped crusader.  One can hardly term the "Mean Streets of Singapore" as such, because they simply aren't.  On a scale of one to ten with say Rio being a perfect ten of meanness, Singapore would come in at -1!


And while I am all in favour of people being courteous at all times, I am not convinced that prancing around in a tight-fitting costume that resembles a knock-off of the Singapore flag is the way to do it?

Mr "Justice" as he titles himself, is apparently 21 years old and hails from Choa Chu Kang.  Shouldn't he be in gainful employment at this age, or perhaps he is engaged by the government to conduct an official courtesy campaign?

His message is in reality a cosplay updating of the old song "Don't Worry Be Happy".  No harm in that I suppose.  The 'worry' is that he will one day soon expire on Orchard Road for heat asphyxia, brought on by tight clothing and the noon day sun.

Introducing The Hello Haze Doll

Consumers line up to get their paws on a Hello Kitty character toy in a skeleton outfit. Source: AFP-JIJI

I am always slightly bemused by the Singaporean passion for the latest craze.  Whether it be the latest mobile device or a range of doughnuts, people will queue for hours just get their hands on the merchandise.

So it is now with a faceless stuffed toy taking their fancy.  I am referring to the ubiquitous and asexual Hello Kitty stuffed toy which McDonalds is selling along with its flaccid burgers.  Apparently these dolls are themed around fairy tales; so even the creative context of the toys comes from other sources.  An excellent example of marketing hype over substance.

Reuters reports that is a black Hello Kitty with a white skeleton and pink bow, based on a German tale called the "Singing Bone" that everyone one in line is fighting over.  Hundreds lined up for the midnight launch and before stocks ran out the police were called in to maintain law and order.

Not everyone succeeded in their quest to get their hands on the hello Kitty toy. McDonald's Facebook page recorded their frustrations.  One grandfather had hoped to get one for his young granddaughter but failed to do so.

"I am one unhappy grandfather! I had deliberately taken public transport in the haze to buy the 'Ugly Duckling'," he wrote, referring to hazardous levels of smog from Indonesian forest fires that recently wreathed Singapore before scattering.

"I tried 3 outlets without success."

While this speaks volumes of the devotion of a grandparent, why anyone would risk permanent lung damage for the sake of a plush toy  is beyond me.

Surely Singaporean toy manufacturers can come up with a local competitor that is more appropriate? I have in mind the 'Hello Haze Doll" based on Indonesian fairy tales of regional cooperation.

Just think of the toy accessories: the miniature face mask, the plastic portable respirator, a small phrase book of bahasa Indonesia excuses -  the list of possibilities is endless.

Maybe readers can suggest the names for these dolls?  Let me start the ball rolling.

First off the assembly line would be the "Wheezing Wilma" doll, a consumptive toy with a mechanical mechanism that emits a repetitive coughing sound.

Send me your ideas for this unique range of plush toys - I think we are on to a winner!

The Straits Times Celebrates Mothers Day

The Singapore Makan (Food) Pacifier

Suffering from "makan withdrawal" symptoms? This could be the device for you.

The Singapore Makan Pacifier

The ideal going away gift for a colleague or friend.  Get yours here.  And yes, you could gift it to a baby if your really wanted to!

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• Makan Day 2013

Merchandise I'd Like To See

Get The Button

It always used to amaze me that seamlessly placid Singaporeans could be transformed into 'ranting emptor' when disputing the contents of a Singtel account or service.

I must confess to have had a few such similar occasions when we first arrived in Singapore. But we were fortunate in that we came across one senior manager who went out of his way to assist us; and continued to do so over the years whenever we had a problem.

Yes Coke Yes

Cocoa Cola has been noticeable for its clever choice of marketing slogans to promote its sales to target markets.  In 1886 the text was simple, "Drink Coca Cola".

By 1924 this had turned into "Refresh Yourself" and in the year of my birth it was "Where there's Coke there's hospitality".

Each year they trot out a new slogan and the current one is (believe it or not) "Life Begins Here".

Now this piece of information is clearly something that a substantial proportion of Singaporeans are not aware of. According to Today Online, 3% of the population copulate in the profound belief that washing their genitals with Coca Cola will prevent pregnancy.

Presumably this application happens before rather than after, giving new meaning to the expression "putting some fizz into your sex life".

I can just see the Cocoa Cola advertising gurus in the USA adopting this slogan for their 2012 campaign.

There are regional variations of the company's slogans as well. In 1980's Japan (a country not always known for its rigid translation of English) the thought of the day was "Yes Coke Yes", which seems strangely in context with the current Singaporean situation.

Mind you, another 3% from the Republic believes that "staying upside down for two hours" after sex has the same effect as Coke.

So I look forward seeing what rival Pepsi come up with. " The cola that makes you stand on your head" perhaps?

You might also think that given Singapore's push (and I use this word advisedly) to increase its population, the government would not worried by this misplaced belief in home-spun contraception.  Not so, there is a more serious side, the rising incidence of sexually transmitted diseases and abortions in the country.

Supernatural Mops

Singaporean media has been compiling a gallery of English translations and other visual faux pas discovered in China by its readers. Here are a selection.

The Pizza Of Death

Would you like arachnid with that?

We may have some strange dietary habits in New Zealand but none stranger than what has been dubbed by the media, the Pizza of Death.

Rotten corn is a Maori delicacy and 'Mountain Oysters' are sheep's testicles in disguise, which are eaten with great gusto in the rural hinterlands of many countries including this one.

The aforementioned pizza is a different matter entirely when is comes to sustenance.  The newspaper report states that:

A Domino's customer dubbed his takeaway the "Pizza of Death" after finding a poisonous white-tailed spider hiding in the box.

The Palmerston North man said his brother found the spider under the fold of the box after eating a slice of Meatlovers.

There are two varieties of white tail spiders in New Zealand and both are Australian imports and venomous.

Domino's New Zealand general manager gave the customer an apology, a refund and a free pizza.

The spider is be sent for testing to see if it had gone through the pizza oven.

Not only does Australia export it poisonous fauna it also has to deal with pig-eating mice. A South Australian pig farmer has spoken of a plague of mice so ravenous that they are eating his prize stock.

In desperation he has resorted to a home made remedy to rid his farm of the plague.

"I mix icing sugar and cement. The icing sugar attracts the mice, they eat it and then the cement clogs them up."

The answer to both of the above problems is quite simple; broaden the mice's diet to include spiders.  Once they get a taste for these they will forgo the pork and New Zealand pizzas will be once again fit to consume.

A Policeman's work is never done

No Joke

Yes, it is real: Scrubby Bottoms

The first of April has come and gone and with it the usual line up of gags, spoofs and false news stories.

We have Chaucer to partly blame for promoting this strange annual observance, some 700 years ago in his Canterbury Tales.  Certainly by the 16th century April 1st was celebrated for its foolish japes.

According to an entry in Wikipedia in 1698, several people were tricked into going to the Tower of London to "see the Lions washed".

There have been other classic pranks such as the Dutch television station in the 1950's who informed their gullible viewvers that the leaning Tower of Pisa had finally fallen over.

In more modern times companies such as Google have continued the tradition.  This year is was a new piece of funcionality called Google Motion which claimed one could control Gmail with your body.




Another prank by Google has been to promote the often revelied font Comic Sans, because ithey discovered it "consistently outperformed all others when it comes to user satisfaction, level of engagement, understanding web content, productivity, click-through rates and conversion rates. We’ll therefore be rolling out Comic Sans as our default font across all Google products on April 4, 2011".

However not all strange stories on the first have been April Fools jokes.  Take for example news that a 50-strong gang of chickens that terrorised residents in Southport has been evicted by Lancashire Police.

Or, news that a baker has been flooded with complaints after calling his shop Nice Baps. 

But perhaps once of the most bizarre has been the revelation that Britain's National Trust has published a list of the UK's top 10 "silly walks" to such colourfully-named locations as Scrubby Bottoms, Pembrokeshire, Booby's Bay, Cornwall and Windy Gap in Surrey.

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Vifil Baboon

I love the way certain Asian proprietors appropriate trademarks for their own use.  There is a small row of shops near us and a now defunct Indian hairdressing salon proudly boasted the following sign.

Vidal Sassoon would have been less than amused by this transliteration but, judging by the state of the sign, the business folded some time ago.

Perhaps I do Vifal an injustice but I can feel fairly confident that his or her second name was not 'baboon'.

Mind you, on the Indian sub continent there are some strange English variations of common terms.  Here is an example of a road sign that surely has some merit in the eyes of those behind the driving wheel.

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• Hey, You Age Like a Baboon! (livescience.com)

Painful Postures and Royal Appointments

Painful Rugby Postures

Two things captured my attention this morning.  Firstly the announcement of our new Governor General to replace the incumbent later in the year.

With respect to the current GG, the announcement of his appointment at the time was greeted with "who?" by a great number of New Zealanders.  Sir Anand Satyanand was not a household name but he has fulfilled his duties admirably.

As to the role itself, it is a hangover from colonial days and Singapore has replaced this head of state role with that of President.

What ever you call it, the position is largely ceremonial as the real political power lies with the elected government of the day.

Our new Governor General is to be a recently retired Head of Defence Force, Lieutenant General Jerry Matepara, soon to be known as Sir Jerry Matepara, as a gong goes with the appointment.

Having been in the SAS at one stage of his army career the new GG will no doubt be a dab hand with the sword, which may come in handy for investitures.

The second item of interest is the news that the huge rugby stadium in Christchurch has been badly damaged in the recent earthquake.

This is a real blow to a province that is passionate about its sport and equally adamant that they should retain hosting privileges for the forthcoming Rugby World Cup 2011.

Quite apart from the stability of the stadium itself it appears that the playing pitch has been subject to liquefaction, even creating a bulge in one place.

There may a positive about this raised mound of earth.  Perhaps it could replace the plastic kicking tee that the goal kickers use? 

At least it would speed up the game if this was done as I for one get tired of watching English backs spending forever in strange postures as they line up the ball for a goal attempt.  Their first five, Johnny Wilkinson, always looks as if someone has slipped him a suppository when he crouches over the ball.

I was surprised to discover when we lived in the Republic that rugby is a popular game from a number of Singaporeans. Even though I enjoyed playing the game in my younger days I don't think I would have wanted to do so in the tropical heat

No Place Like Homing

I had often wondered why there were so many pigeons nesting and congregating around Queens condo and the adjacent Queenstown MRT.

They were the bane of our life fouling the air-conditioning platforms and in turn encouraging a stream of ants and other nasties to their nesting sites.

Now it seems science has provided the answer.  Pigeons apparently sniff their way home with their right nostril according to new research out of Italy.

The Italians are of course good at sniffing out stories themselves, as is witnessed in the ongoing Berlusconi saga -  but that is another story.

The aforementioned pigeons would be severely handicapped if they were to develop an allergy and find their right nostril blocked.

According to the study a blocked right nostril means that pigeons are unable to create the "map of smells" that guides them on their journey.

The scientists plugged either the left or the right nostril of homing pigeons raised just outside Pisa.

They released the birds from Cigoli, 40km away, and followed the birds' return routes using GPS trackers. The 'right nostril disadvantaged' fared worse on the return journey.

Perhaps this same theory applies to Singapore's feathered vermin? The pollution levels around Queenstown got quite bad at times and I figure that the pigeons have this worked out.

By not going anywhere they run little risk of blocked nostrils leadings them astray.  There is the added advantage of coffee shop scraps and nesting sites in the nooks and crannies of the MRT line.

Perhaps the NEA could conduct a similar experiment in the hope, that by blocking the noses of Singapore pigeons, they might fly across the Causeway to Malaysia?

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PC Xmas Wishes

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that New Zealand is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


Best Regards ( without prejudice )


Name withheld ( Privacy Act )

Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Photo: Eustaquio Santimano

When I think of Christmas I think of the lights of Orchard Road as they used to be ten or twenty years ago.  In recent years the lighting has been a 'shadow' of what it used to be.

The impact of satellite malls has made themselves felt.  This year will be the first time in five years that I will not be experiencing a Singapore Xmas.  Even a watered down version of Orchard Road lighting is better than the limp affair in New Zealand cities.

This wasn't always the case but as the spirit of the festive season has been steadily eroded by commercial greed and avarice, the little personal touches have been lost.

At least in Singapore the shops stay open on Christmas Day. In Auckland as happens elsewhere in New Zealand, everything comes to a grinding halt.  This enforced break used to last for up to three days but thankfully now the supermarkets reopen on Boxing Day and the Boxing Day sales in the Antipodes remain a feature.

If we are into commercialism at Xmas let's go the whole way!

We have had two weeks of steady rain which has broken the back of the drought we were experiencing earlier in the month.  While in Singapore the weather is cooler and wetter, here the weather is warmer and should be drier from December to February.

Our news is full of Kiwis stranded at Heathrow airport in the UK who will not be making it back to Godzone for the Xmas reunion with family. 

According to a BBC report, Heathrow can only afford one runway sweeping machine to clear the snow and ice, so departure delays are expected to continue for some time.

Having experienced the diabolical atmosphere and attitude of Heathrow on more than one occasion I am not surprised by this news.  Such unpreparedness would simply not be tolerated at Changi.

Perhaps the Brits could try amusing passengers stranded in the terminals by adopting the Bangladeshi approach to entertainment?

Dhaka's Shahjalal International inadvertently screened a pornographic film for a full five minutes before anyone realised what was happening. The presentation replaced their usual recorded documentaries about the culture and geography.

Things like Heathrow's service levels may never change but other things can change a lot.

Take the recent activity in my Singapore 'home town' district of Queenstown, an older estate in the Republic.  Apparently the locals have taken to divesting themselves of their garments if this report is to be believed.

The heat at the bus stops used to get to me, but I was never tempted to strip.  Apparently the gentleman concerned couldn't understand why he was not getting "fries with everything" when he divested himself of his gear at McDonalds.

Try doing that in the UK at the moment!

Related articles

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• Heathrow? It's like the third world (thesun.co.uk)
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